I am writing to you about a national threat, called ‘veganism’. This disease is spreading very quickly throughout the United States and I am extremely concerned. I won’t even mention the fact that these ‘vegans’ don’t eat meat or eggs – I don’t know what other food groups there are – because there is a much more pressing symptom that we should be worried about.
I was researching ‘veganism’ as I was already concerned about their calorific intake, when I happened across a list of famous ‘vegans’. At the top of this list was two young women called Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi. Upon further investigation, I discovered that these women are what the young people call ‘lesbians’. If you didn’t know, this means two women are in a relationship. Frankly, I thought that ‘lesbians’ were some kind of mythical bird, but apparently they are a real thing. Clearly, lesbianism is a symptom of ‘veganism’. If we allow ‘veganism’ to enter our country, then everyone will become lesbians. Everyone!
I turned to you, Mrs May, because I know you have the power to fund research and new vaccines. If ‘veganism’ enters our country – and I assure you, it will – we need a vaccine to cure it, otherwise every single person in our country will become a lesbian.
I hope you take my warning seriously, otherwise the whole country will feel the repercussions.